Well for those of you who know me, my life has dramatically changed over the last few months. The person that I loved most left me in the cold. This was supposed to be the year were we got engaged and started a new phase of our life. But unfortunately I guess it just wasnt meant to be. I have learned that love is truly blind. One thing that I truly learned is that when people show you themselves..... believe them. Actions speak SOOOOOO much louder than words.
In my recovery process, I have had an opportunity to reflect on the whole relationship. They say Hindsight is 20/20 and that is the absolute truth. When someone tells you they love you, but wont answer the phone around there friends, its not true. When someone tells you they would die for you, but wont listen to your requests, its not true. When someone tells you they are driven and dedicated, but wont get a job, its not true. In short, its hard to admit that the one you love has lied to you. Its hurts alot, it feels like you've been shot directly in the heart. But in the end, what doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger.
We havent spoken in several weeks. Though she has made attempts to contact me, I dont have anything to say. Whats done is done and now we must lay in the beds we made. Honestly, I do care about her well being, but I for damn sure dont wanna hear about her new boyfriend. Seriously, I have forgiven you, but I havent forgotten. And if you bring that dude around its definitely not going to be pretty. Yea I may be wrong but OHH THE HELL WELL!! It is what it is. Secondly, its like damn you didnt waste no time moving on. Well I hope I set some kinda standard for you, and if he doesnt match up to me then your wasting your time because you and I both know you wont be truly happy. He will only be a placemat. It may sound cocky, conceded, arrogant or whatever, but its true. At least let me be your standard. Well I hope he at least makes you happy, and honestly you need to do him a favor and let it go, cuz in the end your only going to hurt him as well. Your issues are the fact that you wont face yourself, so you run to whoever will listen and offer an ear... and a drink. In case you havent noticed, your boxing your self into a corner.
Well like Chris Brown, Im Chucking My Deuces Up. I will continue to pray for you, but I cannot be around you at all. Your self-destructive right now. You almost caused me to self-destruct in a major way. I have hurt my radio ministry, music, and friends behind all this. But Jehovah Rapha is my healer. And he is restoring me to another level that I probably would not have reached. What was once considered a loss is now a gain. I have time to do something that I never really did, which was focus on me. Im in the Gym 2 - 3 times a week consistently, Im going to church on sunday and bible study on wednesday. My program with my mentor is moving rapidly, and I've become the Program Director for www.TheGospelBeat.net - hip hop division. I refuse to move backwards, God has done way to much for me to do so.
I will admit, it wasnt always this way. For a short period, I was angry, depressed, and even suicidal. I didnt enjoy music, I neglected radio, I ignored friends and family. But I got my release at a place I never expected, but fitting considering my call in music and radio ministry. God gave me my release at my friend TJ DaPrayingMan's album release party. It was almost cliche'. The holy spirit used him to prophecy over me and when he touched me, I just screamed out loud, in front of the whole church. For the first time I was "Slayed in the Spirit". All I could do was cry my eyes out. I wasnt worried about who saw, or who listened, I just let out all my pain unto the Lord. Every since then, I have been in recovery.
I am taking back what the devil stole from me. Im taking back my health, taking back my music, taking back my family, taking back my radio show. Thank you Jesus for my recovery.
Recover = to restore, regain, reestablish, resume, gain understanding
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