Alone in the woods

I remember growing up and always having a fear of being alone. I guess it came from being a little too sheltered and not having many friends until I was in High School. Maybe it was from not growing up with my mother and father, but instead my grandparents. My mother was always there for me, but I didnt live with her and I would cry everytime she left. That fear carried over into adult hood, in the form of just not wanting to be by myself. I have been the type to always have a "partner in crime" or a girlfriend.


Now that im single, I had to face that fear once again. My Ex-GF was my partner in crime. We did literally everything together. From being in ANQ, to church, to Radio, to damn near working for the same company. Well since all of that has changed, I have felt very alone lately. I felt as if life sucked, I didnt want to participate in anything and I just hated everybody.


Like Sam Cook said "Change Gone Come." I had a few conversations with my best friend Rock and my mentor Sam. I have to say that these dudes definitely helped me see the glass as half full. Rock helped me alot with my confidence, as I have always struggled with that. I cant lie and say that I didnt pick up alot of his swag, I definitely have. He also helped me to see what my own swag was. Sam broke it down into simple facts why Im actually a 'Hot Commodity." Im a single Black male, with a good job, no kids, and Christian. In reality, Im a needle in a haystack. I never really looked at it like that, I always focused on the fact that I'm overweight and it severely hindered me, in more ways than I know. Well now that im back in the gym, Im losing weight, I just got a personal trainer. As long as I can stick with it, the problem will be solved.


Rock told me that God is allowing me to do this so that I dont have anymore excuses as to why I dont serve him fully. Its to show me that my real problem, is not my weight but its my lack of confidence. Since I realized that, I have intentionally been working to overcome my fear. My fear of being alone was really a lack of confidence. Since I made that decision to be confident, I have to say there has been dramatic differences. People who I never thought noticed me have come up and said that I just look different. My frat bros tell me its as if a weight has been lifted off me. I definitely feel that way. I am focused on doing me right now and its probably the best decision I ever made.


Right now, my swag is ALL THE WAY TURNED UP. I have to be careful cause this can be addictive. Dont get me wrong, I love the attention that I'm getting from women nowadays, especially since it was never really like this. But I always try and use my good sense. I can say that Im definitely not taking things as serious as I use too. At first I was going way to hard and things just didnt work out. But now that I dont really try to hard, fish are biting and its crazy.

I def let it be known that I just had a bad breakup so Im not in the market for anything serious. Whats crazy about that is that seems to make them go a lil harder. Now I understand why they say nice guys finish last. Most women really dont want Mr. Right, they are just like men, and all they really want is Mr. RightNow, hoping he will be Mr Right in the future. Its all good though because I understand where that comes from. It comes from a lack of hope, hope that you will find someone who actually meets all the "standards" that you have. And after too many disappointments, your "standards" dwindle each time.

Now dont get me wrong, Im not out here "Gun Slinging" so to speak. Im just having conversation and such. There are some real Potentials but right now my heart is way to guarded to give it a serious look. I already know they say you shouldnt judge your next Car by the previous one but I think im good with a Rental right about now. Im taking this "Alone" time to focus on me. I guess I needed this time more than I knew.

I will admit, it does get lonely. But I just try and look at it as if I have alot of free time right now. I have more time to focus on my new radio station and my music. I will def say that im writing some of the best music I ever wrote right now. My mixtape will be crazy. "HipHop-Critical" will be out soon and I'm addressing everything thats going on with me. Just stay tuned.

Recovery

Recover = to restore, regain, reestablish, resume, gain understanding



Well for those of you who know me, my life has dramatically changed over the last few months. The person that I loved most left me in the cold. This was supposed to be the year were we got engaged and started a new phase of our life. But unfortunately I guess it just wasnt meant to be. I have learned that love is truly blind. One thing that I truly learned is that when people show you themselves..... believe them. Actions speak SOOOOOO much louder than words.

In my recovery process, I have had an opportunity to reflect on the whole relationship. They say Hindsight is 20/20 and that is the absolute truth. When someone tells you they love you, but wont answer the phone around there friends, its not true. When someone tells you they would die for you, but wont listen to your requests, its not true. When someone tells you they are driven and dedicated, but wont get a job, its not true. In short, its hard to admit that the one you love has lied to you. Its hurts alot, it feels like you've been shot directly in the heart. But in the end, what doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger.

We havent spoken in several weeks. Though she has made attempts to contact me, I dont have anything to say. Whats done is done and now we must lay in the beds we made. Honestly, I do care about her well being, but I for damn sure dont wanna hear about her new boyfriend. Seriously, I have forgiven you, but I havent forgotten. And if you bring that dude around its definitely not going to be pretty. Yea I may be wrong but OHH THE HELL WELL!! It is what it is. Secondly, its like damn you didnt waste no time moving on. Well I hope I set some kinda standard for you, and if he doesnt match up to me then your wasting your time because you and I both know you wont be truly happy. He will only be a placemat. It may sound cocky, conceded, arrogant or whatever, but its true. At least let me be your standard. Well I hope he at least makes you happy, and honestly you need to do him a favor and let it go, cuz in the end your only going to hurt him as well. Your issues are the fact that you wont face yourself, so you run to whoever will listen and offer an ear... and a drink. In case you havent noticed, your boxing your self into a corner.

Well like Chris Brown, Im Chucking My Deuces Up. I will continue to pray for you, but I cannot be around you at all. Your self-destructive right now. You almost caused me to self-destruct in a major way. I have hurt my radio ministry, music, and friends behind all this. But Jehovah Rapha is my healer. And he is restoring me to another level that I probably would not have reached. What was once considered a loss is now a gain. I have time to do something that I never really did, which was focus on me. Im in the Gym 2 - 3 times a week consistently, Im going to church on sunday and bible study on wednesday. My program with my mentor is moving rapidly, and I've become the Program Director for www.TheGospelBeat.net - hip hop division. I refuse to move backwards, God has done way to much for me to do so.

I will admit, it wasnt always this way. For a short period, I was angry, depressed, and even suicidal. I didnt enjoy music, I neglected radio, I ignored friends and family. But I got my release at a place I never expected, but fitting considering my call in music and radio ministry. God gave me my release at my friend TJ DaPrayingMan's album release party. It was almost cliche'. The holy spirit used him to prophecy over me and when he touched me, I just screamed out loud, in front of the whole church. For the first time I was "Slayed in the Spirit". All I could do was cry my eyes out. I wasnt worried about who saw, or who listened, I just let out all my pain unto the Lord. Every since then, I have been in recovery.

I am taking back what the devil stole from me. Im taking back my health, taking back my music, taking back my family, taking back my radio show. Thank you Jesus for my recovery.

Recover = to restore, regain, reestablish, resume, gain understanding

Summer Without You

(Hook)
This is my summer without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
oh oh oh ohhhhh

1. Its feeling like this is gonna be a long summer
2. but imma hit the ground quick like the road runner
3. my feelings go up and down like its training camp
4. I sent a kite, it came back, not enough stamps
5. my fault, I saw the signs, didnt pay attention
6. you point the finger at me saying i didnt listen
7. It thought this was the time we would hold it down
8. switched the song to 112 cause its over now
9. if lifes a movie, I thought you were supporting cast
10. you get an oscar, you acted like you gave a damn
11. all the time you was on the block chilling
12. you was hanging wit some other dude catching feelings
13. at the hospital when i needed your support
14. you was making out with him on your front porch
15. if u cant tell, yea im kinda pissed off
16. I guess its better this, I got the summer off

(Hook)
This is my summer without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
oh oh oh ohhhhh

1. I never thought that you could be so selfish
2. this whole process makes me sick like shellfish
3. i guess that makes us to crabs in a bucket
4. when I messed up you came back like its nothing
5. I cant help but to think you was plotting something
6. wanted revenge, so this whole time you was fronting
7. i dont believe it but I cant help the way I think
8. Im going crazy inside i might need a shrink
9. I was stressing myself trying to buy you a ring
10. you shoulda been spike lee and did the right thing
11. I guess all good things must come to an end
12. I just hope afterwards we could still be friends
13. I get angrier everytime I think about it
14. I wanna clap this dude, and I aint proud about it
15. this aint a diss record, i just had to let you know
16. Youll always have love, but im letting go.

(Hook)
This is my summer without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
oh oh oh ohhhhh

USED

Have you ever wondered what it really meant to be used? To have your talent benefit someone else? Most of us have a negative connotation about being used. We tend to immediately think about a time when someone took advantage of us and took something unfairly. There are a few definitions of the word 'use' which I found on the internet.

1. to take unfair advantage of; exploit: to use people to gain one's own ends.

Looking at the first definition, people have a tendency to use others for there own gain. An employer uses the employees to do the work for a meager salary, while the owner makes the real profit. In relationships, one person may use another for sex, money, or even status. Personally, I have had many friendships in which I was 'used' for having a car, or to borrow money. I have to say, sometimes people really suck.

Recently, I have been trying to get my business off the ground, "Official Media", and I have asked God to use me. I had been feeling USELESS in my church as I am no longer apart of the Youth Leadership. I had to realize that I cant do everything and I have to say no to somethings, but dont get my wrong, Im still a big support to the youth group. Boy, did God answer in a hurry. My radio podcast "Official B.O.S.S. Radio" still does not have a big audience, but some of the feedback that I have received is amazing. I have had artist come up to me and say how much they really appreciate what Im trying to do for the movement of Christian hip hop. Wow, I never expected that. Especially since I havent even reached 100 downloads.

I had a show with my friend Campain a few weeks ago, in which I got the chance to host the event. I was real nervous as the line up was with some of NY's finest artist and I was basically unknown. Im not the most comfortable person in front of a crowd, but rapping is easy because I already know the words. Hosting is different and I have to feed off the crowd and acts of the night. I prayed all day that I would do well, I looked up christian jokes to say, I even asked a friend if I could use something that he said while hosting an event. Once again, God answers prayers. I have to say that this was one of my best performances as a host of an event. I performed my songs, the other artists rocked there shows and in the end, Over 20 young people and a few adults gave there life to Christ. WOW. I had never been apart of something that saved so many lives before.

Last night, I got to perform at Heart of Worship Fellowship in Suffolk County Long Island. I was kinda nervous as I knew I would probably be the only BROWN spot in the building, and the only person performing hip hop. I was wrong on both counts. While there was actually one of each, one rapper and one brown spot, no it wasnt the same person. The Rapper was a guy who looked as though he got saved 2 weeks ago and decided to rap for God. The Brown spot was only brown in skin color, nothing else. - as in no swag at all. So the Rapper got up there with his new album and really started to minister. I was impressed, as he really wanted to save souls. He set up the tone for me to rap as he kinda broke the rap cherry of alot of the people there. Thanks for the Alley-Oop. When I stepped on stage the crowd looked more nervous than me. But by the end of my set, I had officially crossed over. They loved me, and most importantly there love for God was ever present. Pastor Mark and another man prayed with me prophicied over me. They said they see God doing amazing things with me, and that I had a heart after Gods own heart.

Here is another definition of used.

2. to avail oneself of; apply to one's own purposes: to use the facilities

I have officially been used. Used in a way to minister to others. Used in a way that trancends race, gender, and culture. Used in a way that can set others free from bondage. I am being used by God for my purpose. I have availed myself to to be used. I feel good about being used. Thank you Jesus for using me.

Finish it

What it Do fam, Sorry about the sporadic blogging and inconsistency, but its really hard for me to do this. I have been wanting to write about a few things for a few weeks but for some reason I just didn't. Who knows, maybe im just a lil too lazy, Nawwww that aint it. LOL

N-E-Way, a few weeks ago I got a chance to go to the album release party for Richie Righteous. If you haven't heard of him, he is probably the top NY Gospel Rap artist right now. He has been grinding for 10+ years, before alot of us even knew God Like that. Needless to say, his grind has paved the way for alot of us to get in and start doing our thing, including myself.

So I got to his party mad late, as in, I only got to see him perform the last song of the night :( But what I experienced in such a short time was a serious presence of God in the room. You could feel the air was thick with anointing as soon as you walked in the building. He was performing this song "I Cant Make It Without You" and the whole auditorium was with him. I literally saw every Christian Rapper in NY that I have ever met at his album release party. It was more than just a release party, it was like the beginning of a movement. I realized that this music thing is too big for any one of us to put it on our backs. There may never be a Jay-Z or 50 Cent of Gospel Rap. But there is going to be a takeover, the same way the south took over secular hip hop.

To me it was a celebration of not only Rich's Album, but all hte hard work that he and others like him, put into this ministry. A Tearing down the walls of persecution for being a Holy Hip Hop artist. Opening up of eyes and opportunity to help this movement grow. The Body of Christian Rap coming together to work as individual parts to move the whole. MC, DJ's, Radio Hosts, Producers, Management and fans. We all have a place to be. The mission and movement has begun, LETS FINISH IT.

Entrepreneur or Hustle

1st off, let me apologize for not writing on this thing for so long. I'm a rapper not a writer. Blogging is something my GF is trying to get me into. I appreciate it, but I'm still just starting.

Something that kinda bothered me....

A few weeks ago, there was a lil black boy outside my job selling candy bars. The 1st time I saw him, I ignored him of course and kept it moving. Then he kept coming around, and I decided to support him. I was thinking "I'm going to support this lil black boy." I was still hype of Obama swearing in, and I was feeling very entrepro-negro like. I was happy to see this young man trying to make an honest living and not sell drugs, or join a gang.

Well, being that I work in a predominately Caucasian area, we started to receive complaints that the lil boy was stalking the customers. My first thought was, y'all just don't want him to be here because he doesn't look like you. Then my manager went over to the store next to us and found out the boy was buying the candy from them, then would stand outside the store and sell it for more than he bought it for. HMMM, hustle or robbery. Either way he made it happen for a couple of days.

The thing that bothered me the most was that I really wanted him to succeed and be something. Be the best candy bar hustler/seller/entrepro-negro there was for his age. Then it was brought to my attention that he may have not even been a child, but an older man, closer to my age playing the part. DISAPPOINTED???? Highly. Im also mad I didn't think of that 1st LOL.

Nigga vs Nage

Yesterday at work I was sitting with my asian manager working on a project. As we were talking, another asian woman walked up to us and starting speaking chinese to him. I don't know the exact conversation, but during he uttered the words Nage, Nage, that sounded like the word Nigga (in-which I immediately gave him the slanted eye look). After the conversation he noticed my look and I asked him what did he say. He started laughing because he knew immediately what I was thinking and he explained that Nage in chinese means "that." He said he was explaining directions to her and said "that" it was over yonder. (yes I use the word yonder, country and proud).

This lead into an interesting conversation about how he couldn't understand why black people used the word so freely, but get offended if someone else uses it as a term of endearment. At that moment, I paused.

Thought #1 - explain how if I called you a chink, you would get offended, but would not get offended if some other chinese person said it to you in a friendly manner.

Thought #2 - explain how unfortunately, some ignant black folk have shuck and jived there way into fame, by using the term freely and making it cool to call a black man such.

I choose thought #2, but I was thinking thought #1.

He began to talk about how in Queens, he has noticed that in some neighborhoods, (hoods as we say) the term Nigga is used by all races as a term of endearment. I personally have witnessed this. Once I witnessed 2 russians calling each other nigga during a horse play while we were at work.

Chang, as I will call him, admitted that he was not comfortable with using the term. I paused again.

Thought #1 - are you just telling me this so I don't break open a can of angry black man on you.

Thought #2 - maybe he really doesn't fell comfortable and accepts African Americans as equal.

I believe thought #1, but I played it like #2.

I had too, I was at work. LOL