Alone in the woods

I remember growing up and always having a fear of being alone. I guess it came from being a little too sheltered and not having many friends until I was in High School. Maybe it was from not growing up with my mother and father, but instead my grandparents. My mother was always there for me, but I didnt live with her and I would cry everytime she left. That fear carried over into adult hood, in the form of just not wanting to be by myself. I have been the type to always have a "partner in crime" or a girlfriend.


Now that im single, I had to face that fear once again. My Ex-GF was my partner in crime. We did literally everything together. From being in ANQ, to church, to Radio, to damn near working for the same company. Well since all of that has changed, I have felt very alone lately. I felt as if life sucked, I didnt want to participate in anything and I just hated everybody.


Like Sam Cook said "Change Gone Come." I had a few conversations with my best friend Rock and my mentor Sam. I have to say that these dudes definitely helped me see the glass as half full. Rock helped me alot with my confidence, as I have always struggled with that. I cant lie and say that I didnt pick up alot of his swag, I definitely have. He also helped me to see what my own swag was. Sam broke it down into simple facts why Im actually a 'Hot Commodity." Im a single Black male, with a good job, no kids, and Christian. In reality, Im a needle in a haystack. I never really looked at it like that, I always focused on the fact that I'm overweight and it severely hindered me, in more ways than I know. Well now that im back in the gym, Im losing weight, I just got a personal trainer. As long as I can stick with it, the problem will be solved.


Rock told me that God is allowing me to do this so that I dont have anymore excuses as to why I dont serve him fully. Its to show me that my real problem, is not my weight but its my lack of confidence. Since I realized that, I have intentionally been working to overcome my fear. My fear of being alone was really a lack of confidence. Since I made that decision to be confident, I have to say there has been dramatic differences. People who I never thought noticed me have come up and said that I just look different. My frat bros tell me its as if a weight has been lifted off me. I definitely feel that way. I am focused on doing me right now and its probably the best decision I ever made.


Right now, my swag is ALL THE WAY TURNED UP. I have to be careful cause this can be addictive. Dont get me wrong, I love the attention that I'm getting from women nowadays, especially since it was never really like this. But I always try and use my good sense. I can say that Im definitely not taking things as serious as I use too. At first I was going way to hard and things just didnt work out. But now that I dont really try to hard, fish are biting and its crazy.

I def let it be known that I just had a bad breakup so Im not in the market for anything serious. Whats crazy about that is that seems to make them go a lil harder. Now I understand why they say nice guys finish last. Most women really dont want Mr. Right, they are just like men, and all they really want is Mr. RightNow, hoping he will be Mr Right in the future. Its all good though because I understand where that comes from. It comes from a lack of hope, hope that you will find someone who actually meets all the "standards" that you have. And after too many disappointments, your "standards" dwindle each time.

Now dont get me wrong, Im not out here "Gun Slinging" so to speak. Im just having conversation and such. There are some real Potentials but right now my heart is way to guarded to give it a serious look. I already know they say you shouldnt judge your next Car by the previous one but I think im good with a Rental right about now. Im taking this "Alone" time to focus on me. I guess I needed this time more than I knew.

I will admit, it does get lonely. But I just try and look at it as if I have alot of free time right now. I have more time to focus on my new radio station and my music. I will def say that im writing some of the best music I ever wrote right now. My mixtape will be crazy. "HipHop-Critical" will be out soon and I'm addressing everything thats going on with me. Just stay tuned.

Recovery

Recover = to restore, regain, reestablish, resume, gain understanding



Well for those of you who know me, my life has dramatically changed over the last few months. The person that I loved most left me in the cold. This was supposed to be the year were we got engaged and started a new phase of our life. But unfortunately I guess it just wasnt meant to be. I have learned that love is truly blind. One thing that I truly learned is that when people show you themselves..... believe them. Actions speak SOOOOOO much louder than words.

In my recovery process, I have had an opportunity to reflect on the whole relationship. They say Hindsight is 20/20 and that is the absolute truth. When someone tells you they love you, but wont answer the phone around there friends, its not true. When someone tells you they would die for you, but wont listen to your requests, its not true. When someone tells you they are driven and dedicated, but wont get a job, its not true. In short, its hard to admit that the one you love has lied to you. Its hurts alot, it feels like you've been shot directly in the heart. But in the end, what doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger.

We havent spoken in several weeks. Though she has made attempts to contact me, I dont have anything to say. Whats done is done and now we must lay in the beds we made. Honestly, I do care about her well being, but I for damn sure dont wanna hear about her new boyfriend. Seriously, I have forgiven you, but I havent forgotten. And if you bring that dude around its definitely not going to be pretty. Yea I may be wrong but OHH THE HELL WELL!! It is what it is. Secondly, its like damn you didnt waste no time moving on. Well I hope I set some kinda standard for you, and if he doesnt match up to me then your wasting your time because you and I both know you wont be truly happy. He will only be a placemat. It may sound cocky, conceded, arrogant or whatever, but its true. At least let me be your standard. Well I hope he at least makes you happy, and honestly you need to do him a favor and let it go, cuz in the end your only going to hurt him as well. Your issues are the fact that you wont face yourself, so you run to whoever will listen and offer an ear... and a drink. In case you havent noticed, your boxing your self into a corner.

Well like Chris Brown, Im Chucking My Deuces Up. I will continue to pray for you, but I cannot be around you at all. Your self-destructive right now. You almost caused me to self-destruct in a major way. I have hurt my radio ministry, music, and friends behind all this. But Jehovah Rapha is my healer. And he is restoring me to another level that I probably would not have reached. What was once considered a loss is now a gain. I have time to do something that I never really did, which was focus on me. Im in the Gym 2 - 3 times a week consistently, Im going to church on sunday and bible study on wednesday. My program with my mentor is moving rapidly, and I've become the Program Director for www.TheGospelBeat.net - hip hop division. I refuse to move backwards, God has done way to much for me to do so.

I will admit, it wasnt always this way. For a short period, I was angry, depressed, and even suicidal. I didnt enjoy music, I neglected radio, I ignored friends and family. But I got my release at a place I never expected, but fitting considering my call in music and radio ministry. God gave me my release at my friend TJ DaPrayingMan's album release party. It was almost cliche'. The holy spirit used him to prophecy over me and when he touched me, I just screamed out loud, in front of the whole church. For the first time I was "Slayed in the Spirit". All I could do was cry my eyes out. I wasnt worried about who saw, or who listened, I just let out all my pain unto the Lord. Every since then, I have been in recovery.

I am taking back what the devil stole from me. Im taking back my health, taking back my music, taking back my family, taking back my radio show. Thank you Jesus for my recovery.

Recover = to restore, regain, reestablish, resume, gain understanding

Summer Without You

(Hook)
This is my summer without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
oh oh oh ohhhhh

1. Its feeling like this is gonna be a long summer
2. but imma hit the ground quick like the road runner
3. my feelings go up and down like its training camp
4. I sent a kite, it came back, not enough stamps
5. my fault, I saw the signs, didnt pay attention
6. you point the finger at me saying i didnt listen
7. It thought this was the time we would hold it down
8. switched the song to 112 cause its over now
9. if lifes a movie, I thought you were supporting cast
10. you get an oscar, you acted like you gave a damn
11. all the time you was on the block chilling
12. you was hanging wit some other dude catching feelings
13. at the hospital when i needed your support
14. you was making out with him on your front porch
15. if u cant tell, yea im kinda pissed off
16. I guess its better this, I got the summer off

(Hook)
This is my summer without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
oh oh oh ohhhhh

1. I never thought that you could be so selfish
2. this whole process makes me sick like shellfish
3. i guess that makes us to crabs in a bucket
4. when I messed up you came back like its nothing
5. I cant help but to think you was plotting something
6. wanted revenge, so this whole time you was fronting
7. i dont believe it but I cant help the way I think
8. Im going crazy inside i might need a shrink
9. I was stressing myself trying to buy you a ring
10. you shoulda been spike lee and did the right thing
11. I guess all good things must come to an end
12. I just hope afterwards we could still be friends
13. I get angrier everytime I think about it
14. I wanna clap this dude, and I aint proud about it
15. this aint a diss record, i just had to let you know
16. Youll always have love, but im letting go.

(Hook)
This is my summer without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
oh oh oh ohhhhh